“...Why do you call yourself Sasha?” Sir Leon asked of his friend.
She smiled at him from her couch.“Gwaine gave me that name, when I asked him for one. It means inner beauty. Why do you ask about that all over again?”
“That's actually not what I mean.” The knight admitted humbly. When you first came here you were calling yourself 'Nikita'. Why not keep that name?”
“Because as such Nikita was executed.” The young woman answered firmly. “Gaius, Uther, Arthur and Merlin all saw her through her last moments in this life, and she died. It was as close a call as I've ever made. She had to either die a natural death or face execution as a sorceress. And Uther let her pass naturally and in her cell. She came back to life, I came back to life. But I couldn't call myself by that same name.”
Sir Leon could barely believe what he was hearing.“Are you saying Uther knew about your magic all the times that you visited Camelot?”
Sasha smiled at him kindly. “Of course. She made him a promise and she kept it. As did he to her. He didn't live to see the day I finally could stay for good and all. Which is something he dearly wished could happen.” She took a deep, slow breath and took the plunge. “Sir Leon, I've been willing myself to live beyond my time since I stayed here. Now that you know what I'm waiting for, What are you?”
Sir Leon rushed to the court physician's chambers and pounded on the door. “Come in.” Was the simple reply from within the doors. When the solider had entered and quietly shut the door behind him he quickly saw that the young man, Merlin was the only one in the room. And that even though his head was in a book, his mind and heart were far away. For a moment he wished he hadn't come here with this suspicion in his heart. But there were too many questions that needed answers...and only one answer he knew for any of it.
“Is Gaius out?” Was the only thing the knight could think to say.
“He's with a patient, but I can fetch him if he's needed.” The servant answered simply.
“No that's alright.” Sir Leon replied hurriedly. “Actually I came to talk with you.”
A mild look of surprise crossed the pale face of the...whatever and whoever he was. “And you don't think Gaius should hear? I can think of only one thing that could have – well that could explain both this and the extreme distress on your face. I just hope I'm wrong.”
“Believe it or not Merlin, so do I.” A few seconds of silence passed.
“So, which of us will actually broach the subject?” Merlin intoned in a deadpan voice.
“I was seriously hoping you would.” The knight admitted gently.
“You think I'm a sorcerer and a liar.” Merlin offered plainly.
“Well, no. I don't think you're a liar.” Sir Leon responded softly. “But I think you have magic in your body and have used everything about who you are to fight that reality...or label.”
“We really should go to my room to discuss this further. Or I could try a useful bit of magic.” At first Sir Leon didn't seem able to comprehend the meaning behind this statement. The answer came completely unbidden, and straight to Sir Leon's mind.“I can simply tell you this way, but I don't think I can maintain it for long. And Gaius knows when I'm messing around like this.”
“...Then let's just go outside far from anywhere or anyone. I'll run interference with Arthur if he comes looking for you.”
“Actually, for as long as Sasha is ill I have a bit of free time from my normal duties. I know that Arthur understands how much she and I mean to each-other.” The knight fidgeted where he stood. “What's wrong? Surely you've seen that Sasha and I are dear to each-other...Or has someone besides me finally realized that she's not simply ill?”
“It's more that last part.” Leon admitted coolly. “I didn't know until about an hour ago that she was more than simply ill. And in the course of that conversation I learned almost as much about You as I did about her. She was about to tell me something that I'm sure would have answered a lot of the doubts and confusions I've had over the past few weeks. But she stopped herself, saying that you obviously trusted her judgment and thus she must trust yours. She left enough of an impression in my head that the only explanation I could think of for her sudden silence, but obvious yearning for openness, was that you had a secret to which she was privy, but could not bring yourself to mention to anyone else. And something else she told me, something she said would have happened, told me Arthur needed to know this but didn't yet.”
“Which was?” Merlin prompted.
“She would have sent Arthur to you with confirmed knowledge of your loyalty and trust. That is she would have told Arthur that much and he would have sought you out to confirm it. And somehow that would have prompted you to say something, particular. The trust and friendship you have would've been deepened.”
“And this was the only thing you could think of to fit that pattern.” Merlin breathed heavily. “Well now that you know you're right, what do you intend to do?”
“Find out from you whether you're more like Sasha or like Morgouse.” The knight responded simply. “Actually never mind. I know you're more like Sasha, because she has such unswerving loyalty and faith with you. My question is, why not tell Arthur what you are...and what your very life is proof of?”
“...Do you mean, that not all those with magic are enemies of this kingdom and that I'm more a servant than a sorcerer?” At the knight's nod, Merlin stood up, raised his left hand above his head, palm up. At the same time he dropped his right hand to near his waist, palm down. In one motion he brought them both eye-level and pushed them, palms out, in front of him.
“What just happened?” Sir Leon questioned with a small bit of wonder in his face.
“I've set a cloak of silence around this room, or at least around the two of us. We cannot be overheard or interrupted.” Merlin answered simply. “I will say plainly that you are both right and wrong. I am Arthur's servant, protector and friend. I don't use this reality to fight being a sorcerer. I use being a sorcerer to aid my mission to help Arthur. Now, what are you here to find out?”
“What you think would happen if you ever did admit your powers to Arthur.” Sir Leon replied at once. “And what all you can do and have been doing to help him in his quest for peace and unity.”
“First tell me what brought this to your attention.” Merlin declared.
“You saw through both the witch-finder and Morgouse. You were so reserved and secretive after Morganna came back that once she showed her true colors I had to believe you at least suspected the truth. But you've been a loyal servant and source of encouragement to Arthur this whole time...as far as I can see. But that's what I've recently noticed that led me to this conclusion. What brought this to my attention, made things so suddenly apparent was the knowledge and inference that Sasha wants you to TELL Arthur something; an admission, not a confrontation. In light of everything else, as I turned to leave a very quiet young woman to pass gently, I was pretty sure this was it.”
“Well I suppose that's just a matter of...What in the name of sanity is going on here?!” Merlin yelped.
“What do you mean my friend?' Sir Leon asked simply.
“I have it on fairly good authority that Gaius is the only one in this city who both can and would ever make a declaration like that about another soul. And I seriously doubt..” Merlin never finished that thought. “Do you think she's passing away right now?” He finished instead.
“She's weak, and growing more faint and lean. She can't even make her coffees anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if she passes within a day or two.” Sir Leon answered with blunt honesty.
“Then I need to end this talk and go up to her and keep as close a vigil as I can.”
“I thought you said you have leave from Arthur to stay by her side.” A confounded Leon responded.
“She doesn't want anyone, especially Merlin to see her this weak and weary.” The cold voice of King Arthur interjected. No one moved a muscle for several seconds.
“Merlin I think this will be a good time for me to get out of here.” Sir Leon suggested in a rushed voice. “With your leave Arthur?” He added. The king nodded and the knight bowed his head and departed.
“How long have you been standing there?” Merlin inquired, barely raising his eyes to Arthur's throat.
“Long enough to know that either the two of you were in a trance, or something stranger than that was going on. I pounded on the door but no one answered. I assume something was or is seriously wrong.”
“Something is definitely wrong Sire.” Merlin admitted in a solemn tone. “But not because of that trance. I am responsible for that.”
“Merlin you are confusing me.” The king stated, shaking his head and his short blonde locks with it.
“Mi-lord, I initiated that trance with Sir Leon. It was the best way I knew not to be overheard. I never considered it would make me blind to my surroundings.”
“You are learning magic?” Arthur's voice was more curious and puzzled than angry or troubled.
At least his friend heard it that way. “It goes deeper than that. I have magic in my very being. I just learnt... alright I can tell something is wrong beyond shock at this revelation.”
“Just, tell me plainly whatever is on your mind and heart.” The King stated firmly.
“I've always had magic in the fabric of my being. I'm living proof that not all wizards want destruction or death. I'm quite probably more of a coward than you ever thought of me...for keeping this from you.”
The young king starred at the even younger man. “Merlin, assuming you're not just pulling wool over my eyes or pulling my leg, I can never call you a coward again!”
“No one would be foolish enough to joke about this.” Merlin stated firmly. In a moment he pressed on. “And I hate to admit it but now you are confusing me.”
“To keep this a secret may have been cowardice Merlin, or self preservation. That doesn't really matter. What matters to me is what would have been needful for you to tell me to my face.”
“Um, clarify please.” Merlin intoned.
“I mean, for you to walk up to my chambers and flat out tell me this as an admission.”
Merlin fidgeted where he stood. “Well that's actually part of what Sir Leon and I were talking about.” He said joylessly. “He had a suspicion that I had magic. He said he knew I was more a friend and an ally to you than anyone else with magic he'd ever heard of. He said I was living proof that not all wizards want destruction or death. And wondered, that being the case, why I didn't flat out tell you. Right here and now I swear to you, if my oath means anything..”
“It does.” Arthur stated coolly.
“..that other than the simple reality that I didn't know if we could still be...as we are...after this revelation, I had NOTHING keeping me from showing you this openly.”
“And that is exactly why you are not a coward.” Arthur suggested blithely. “Well that and to stay with me under my father, and even after his death. Also admitting to this now is not cowardice unless it's being done out of fear. Which, IS that it?”
“Obligation yes, fear? Not really no.” Merlin replied simply. “I take it you also had a conversation with Sasha recently?” Merlin prodded with a slight smile on his face. His friend simply stared at him. “That's what brought Sir Leon here and I can think of nothing else that would have cooled your thoughts about sorcery.”
“Learning that even my father made an exception for Sasha might have had something to do with it?” Arthur answered in affirmation. “Learning that Sasha was staying silent about your secret not you about hers. That was the main event about it. There aren't very many secrets that would require such staunch adherence and resolve as what she's had for you.”
Merlin's smile grew, but a moment later he hung his head again. When his liege asked him about it, there was only one honest answer he could think of. “Actually Arthur, assuming I'm interpreting your words correctly I should say one thing. Sasha and I are friends because we both believe in hope, equality and the evidence of our eyes...not because we both have magic...Arthur whatever else you say or do to me, please know that I would ne-ver use my powers against you. I still claim and profess what tried to tell you all those years ago. I AM happy to be who and what I am...til the day I die.”
“He-he. Noted Merlin. But I think we should both go up to see Sasha through the last few moments or days of her life. And this time we will both listen to her final words.”
“Okay I can take a guess.” Merlin prompted as they turned to leave the room, side by side.
King Arthur smiled broadly at his friend. “Last time she was dying it was in a prison cell and she was still so careful with her words. Now we are both ready for this...and I think she knows she can speak openly.” He didn't say anything more until they were almost to Sasha's room. “Merlin, what did you expect from me?”
“I didn't have any specific expectations.” Merlin answered at once. “I mean I had rather assumed you'd be furious at a liar like me, if not at the fact that I was a sorcerer and everything that usually entailed. I had hoped to make one thing clear: I am who I am whether I can move things with my mind or not.”
“And what is that? I mean what and who do you see yourself as?” Arthur's question had come on the heels of Merlin's last response. For some reason, Merlin was having trouble finding an answer that fit.
“I...Some combination of a servant, a protector and a friend...I mean our history is more complicated than you knew, but I never lied to you about anything.”
“Except what you even were.” Arthur persisted.
At which point showed up in front of them. I could tell from Merlin's face that my face was either completely pink or pale as oatmeal. “I think he means that he is happy to be your servant til the day he dies. He's always told you to trust in yourself, to do what you believe is right not what your father or even either of us would have you do...though our opinion and your own usually went hand in hand. For his sake I'll not explain what four words convinced me of this. He has always put your well being ahead of his own...that wasn't a lie.”
I folded my hands as though in a prayer to indicate the story was over-with. Arthur sat there puzzled for a very short period of time. “What four words?” He asked me curtly.
“I should have expected that.” I told him simply. After a few seconds I answered him in a rush. “Merlin once told an evil sorcerer that he didn't want to lord his power over people, especially not over you. It was suggested that...well the four words were 'I don't want that'. As long as he keeps his heart as I've always seen it; a servant's heart and a loyal one, I'll follow him to the death. As he obviously would for you.”
“Alright, now I really am listening intently.” Arthur breathed.
The conversation lasted for hours. It was as close to an honest report on the question of what makes a person who they are as one would ever want to hear. It didn't detail anything Merlin had done with his magic to help Arthur, only what Merlin had told Arthur as an advisor: to trust in himself, in his own beliefs. It ended thus.
“Sire, there's one other thing that really needs saying. But I don't have Merlin's consent for it yet.”
“You really do follow him in all things don't you.” Arthur stated solemnly.
Sasha couldn't tell if this was a question, an assumption or a taunt. Assuming it wasn't the latter-most, she began. “I trust his judgment as devoutly and unswervingly as he trusts you, yes. But that's not my only reason for holding back. He needs to offer this knowledge and explanation...or it's just hearsay and slander.”
At what Sasha judged to be the most inconvenient time ever they heard Merlin's voice interject. “Arthur there you are what have you been...up to.”
At once Sasha stood up and stared her first friend in the face.“Merlin we are both in very deep trouble. And I was about to be in worse trouble than you are.”
“Then I showed up at exactly the right time.” Merlin stated firmly, but with a confidence he obviously did not feel. He looked his more easy going friend in the eyes with a serious question.
“Arthur didn't remember what we thought he knew.” Sasha stated unwavering. “I filled him in on the conversations we thought we'd had. Something else needs to be said even so. He needs to know something I...” Sasha looked sad and took a breath. “He needs to know what the Kalex and Aggrivane obviously knew.”
This statement seemed to be too much for Arthur's brain, and his patience. “What in the name of anything are you talking about? What's the Kalex...and what does my uncle have to do with anything?”
Merlin looked crestfallen. “The Kalex was a gate-keeper to the spirit world. I think she told Morganna about 'the one they call Emrys' and it became an obsession for her. To my understanding Morganna has never figured out that 'the most troublesome serving boy I've ever known' could be the one she was told to fear. Aggrivane figured it out moments before his treachery killed him. Almost everyone with magic knows...I AM Emrys.
