A Return to Grace

A Return to Grace

Arthur walked out of the room and into the hall. To his surprise he found Gwaine pacing the floor. “How is he?” Gwaine asked with surprising urgency.

“Gaius says it's not as bad as it looks. I think in a few more days, we'll have the old Merlin back.” Gwaine breathed a visible sigh of relief. “Come, let's go and have some supper.” Gwaine's relief was instantly replaced by sadness. “Are you not coming?”

“I'll stay here with Merlin. I'm not that hungry anyway.”

“I have not seen you so weak in the knees, even in combat. What is wrong?”

“Aren't you concerned for him?”

Arthur seemed stung by the insult. He tried not to let it show as he replied. “Of course I am Gwaine. But I can do no more for him here.”

“Arthur...Sire. Unless you order me to the great hall for dinner, I am staying Right here.”

“I've often wondered...why are you so devoted to him? I don't have a problem with it, and quite honestly I'm glad to see it but...I have never seen this devotion in you concerning anything.”

“Arthur, please let it suffice for now that you have my loyalty as my leader and my king. Merlin has my devotion as a friend. He believed in me when no one else would. And stood by my side. When I had no one else and thought I didn't want them. I simply want to return the favor.”

“Then you should stay, and be with him.”

“Gaius?”

Gwaine heard the word in s strong, soft voice that could only have belonged to his friend. He turned around and saw Merlin, sitting up straight, looking at him. “Gaius?” He repeated.

“No I...I sent him off to get some sleep about an hour ago.”

“And you stayed up for me?”

“Believe me Merlin, it was the least I could do. I'm sorry, I suppose you don't even know who I am.” Merlin nodded once. “My name is Gwaine Sir Gwaine to most people but you and I go back too far for that. When I first came to Camelot you were the only friend I had. And I want to be here for you for a change...to repay that debt I guess.”

“How long have we known each-other?”

“A little more than three years.”

“What do I do here?” Gwaine's jaw shut itself hard. “If I've lived here for more than 3 years I must have a job, something to keep busy with, to give my life meaning. What do I do here?”

“You are servant to King Arthur.”

“The blonde-haired man?”

“...Yes.”

“I should go to him.” Merlin pulled the blanket off of himself and stood up. He reached for his outer tunic. Gwaine jumped to his side. “Merlin, you're ill. I'm sure he'll understand.”

“Sir Gwaine, if there is one thing I sense, remember or know of my life it is that I belong at Arthur's side. Don't ask me how but I know this.”

“You are very much yourself Merlin.” An older man said from the doorway.

“You are Gaius, I take it?” Merlin said with a soft smile.

“Indeed Merlin. And you absolutely right, both of you. Arthur would understand if Merlin wanted to take some time for himself. But he would want to see you.”

“Merlin, there you are. I...how are you?”

“I am well enough sire, thank you. I was wondering if you'd be needing anything.”

“Are you serious?” Merlin looked thoroughly uncomfortable and if possible, unsteady.

“I do not understand. I am told this is my station.”

“Well, yeah it is I just...well if you want, go to the galley and pick out a fruit plate?”

“All-right.” Merlin said as he actually bowed his head to Arthur.

'I wonder how much of that is his amnesia and how much of it is his true feelings?' Arthur thought to himself as Merlin quietly closed the door behind him. 'He called me 'sire'. Then again, most people would. He might not know any better. He might assume that's normal between us. I hope that's it. I hope he's not...' Arthur wanted to push these thoughts to the side until evening, preferably until Merlin was actually better. But something inside him told him he needed to work out what he thought was going on and how he personally felt about anything, if he and Merlin were even going to get through the next few days.

“What is it Arthur?” Gwen asked of her intended.

“I think something is more wrong with Merlin than usual.” He replied, attempting levity.

Gwen looked at him with a thoroughly concerned expression. Though who she was concerned for was unclear. “You can't expect him to be all better so soon.”

“No that's not what I mean it's...it's something else. He and I were...still healing from something between us. I'm worried something of his distance is because he's still...keeping his distance. That's the only way I know how to explain it. But what do I do about it? I mean exactly how can I ask him what's wrong, if he doesn't know himself well enough to know that I truly care?”

“Start by letting him know that the two of you are friends. That you feel the same way he does. And remember that whatever he's feeling right now, he won't know why. If he is feeling unsteady and uncertain...”

“He might assume that he needs to walk carefully at all times. Like that's just how I make him feel, and how things are between us?” Gwen nodded solemnly/ “You are my heart and conscience you know that?”

“Arthur...I take it you were right about him?”

“...About his secret yes. About why he kept it from me...I couldn't have been more wrong.”

“You know there is one thing I don't understand about you Merlin.”

“At least we have that in common.” Merlin said, getting the words out with some difficulty.

“Have you not learned in your life not to joke so casually when your life is in jeopardy?”

“You haven't directly threatened my life nor ordered my silence Morganna. I'll speak as freely as I can. As freely as...as I ever do.” He said a little more slowly.

“All-right. In that case, why do you follow Arthur so blindly? He doesn't deserve your loyalty. Surely you've seen that these last days?”

“Rather the opposite Morganna. HE deserves my loyalty, I am certain of it. More than ever.”

“Are you trying to tell me that blow to your head robbed you of your senses?

“Morganna. If I didn't know it before I know it now: Arthur is not only worthy of my services and my loyalty I would give my life for him if I could.”

“And what, pray tell has led you to that conclusion?”

“Morganna I...” Merlin paused to take a breath. “I think we share a secret; am I right?”

(He means the secret of magic. He is trying to ask she knows about his magic.)

Morganna moved closer until she could practically lick his nose. “Yes I have magic and yes I used it to take your memory! I hoped if you could see things with fresh eyes you might see things a little more clearly. Obviously I was wrong.”

“Oh no Morganna. On that you were quite correct. Arthur and Gwaine might make the wrong choice for loyalty. However I acted around them before would constantly be in part for the sake of our friendship, because of our history together. Without that history, what I do stands on its own. And I can see them more clearly than ever. And THAT is why I love Gwaine more now than ever. And why I'm closer to laughing in your face than I have ever been...presumably.”

“So if I were to try to tell you that you gave Arthur your loyalty for reasons you yourself didn't understand?” Morganna prompted.

“I'd take from that you spent a lot of time with Gaius when you lived in Camelot. He told me the exact same thing yesterday morning! But yes I do see Arthur more clearly than ever. Because I've seen with my own eyes both why I follow him and why You will NEVER defeat him.”

“And why Please tell me would that be?”

“By all loves, do you even know what a friend IS Morganna?”

Morganna grabbed the collar of Merlin's tunic and pulled him close. “Enlighten me.”

“A friend is someone who will do anything for a friend!”

Morganna spun around to face her challenger, for it had been Arthur and not Merlin to answer her. For a few minutes both are fully engrossed in their battle. Merlin looked up at his shackles and suddenly the answer came to him. “Miotal, leá.” he whispered. The iron shackles melted into a tangled mess and fell to the floor. Merlin snuck up on Morganna and hit her on the back of the head with his fist. Arthur looked at him, completely amazed. “I'm surprised how good that felt.”

“I can imagine. Now let's get back to Camelot.”